There's so much going on in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra it's difficult to know where to look. There's fetishistic military hardware, leather-clad super-soldier babes constantly zip-lining into frame, X-Men-style stealth aircraft (that only respond to Gallic voice commands, a bit like if you dropped your iPhone in a puddle and Siri's programming went arse over tit), a comedy baddie with no discernible motivation, ninjas, some weird backstory about the ninjas when they were kids (seemingly spliced in from a completely different film), metal-eating nanobots, Sienna Miller looking awkward and unconvincing, Jonathan Pryce looking awkward and unconvincing, a secret, unnecessarily cavernous base beneath the Egyptian sand, and a secret, unnecessarily cavernous base beneath the Arctic ice. The plot's got something to do with, um, warheads I think. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a live action version of what's going on in a 10-year-old boy's head as he plays with his action figures up in his bedroom, with all the associated maturity.